I’m a writer?
“I learned to slam on the brakes
Before I even turn the key,
Before I make a mistake
Before I lead with the worst of me”
From “Waving Through A Window”, Dear Evan Hansen
I spent a really long time wondering if I was actually a writer, or if I had always just found some sort of divine favor from my english teachers. I became an English major about a year and a half ago, and I still wasn’t quite sure. It took fighting my way through my first semester of English classes to really let myself take on the title, “writer”.
I’ve thought about creating a blog-type thing seriously since I was a junior in high school, fresh off of my first real heartbreak and overwhelmed with emotions that I wanted to connect to words. I probably spared of my loved ones a lot of secondhand embarrassment by not hitting publish on that site which I believe was called “bravely em”, but in putting it off I fed into a grander fear of sharing my writing.
I’ve always wanted a byline, so I’ve decided to make one for myself. I still dream that other platforms will value my writing enough to publish it, but for now I’m deciding to let myself value it.
The timing has never felt right. I’m thinking now that the timing will never be right until I just go for it, so here I am. This is my space for my writing, and anyone can see it. This is the product of a three year old dream and a short lifetime of anxiety surrounding letting others read my writing. I’m here now, so I’m turning the key. I’m slowly releasing my foot from the brake and I’m being a writer.
Most of the time right now I’m tired. I’m sad. I’m lost. I’m scared. I’m trying to finish college two years early whilst one year into a global pandemic. I’m questioning the religious ideals that raised me & challenging the way I spent a decade building my adolescent life upon. All of my teenaged hopes & dreams lie within an institution I’m not sure I want to be a part of anymore. I don’t know who I am or where I’m going or what I believe right now.
It’s all really heavy, but this time I’m not running away. I may be lost, but I’ll write until I find me again and then I’ll keep writing even more.
I’m hoping that maybe you’ll come back? I hope you don’t mind very long sentences and emotional over-sharing. I’m sure that not everything will be so personal. I’ll probably write about my favorite books and pretty things too, but not in an influencer “shop my link” type of thing (not that there’s anything wrong with that, go get your bag). It’ll probably be a lot of emotions here though because I am the way that I am.
Until next time, go listen to the Broadway Cast Recording or read the novel adaptation or watch a bootleg of Dear Evan Hansen.
Bye,
Emma Lai
By emma lai
