is this thing on?

hi hello—anyone remember me? the april fool that lasted all of five days?

yeah...maybe that didn’t work out. 

I think I’m okay with that though. 

I may not have completed my month-long daily writing challenge in april, but I still think it was successful. 

I launched a blog!!

& then I disappeared

but I still did it!!

I was so scared of putting any of my words out into the public space, but I did it anyways. it wasn’t what I thought it would be, but I don’t think anything ever is. 

I was so overwhelmed & honored by some of the responses I got from the last thing I posted about my religious experiences. it was a piece that was really difficult to write, & even harder to post, but apparently it meant something to some people for even just the few moments that they read it, & that means the world to me. As I’m writing this I’ve just gone back to reread that piece, and I’m really glad that it lives here. I’m very proud of it & proud of myself for sharing it. (if you haven’t read it yet or want to revisit it, you can find it here)

so what happened?

well, a lot actually. I don’t necessarily feel a **need** to share of every painstaking detail with the internet, but I just thought I’d fill you in because I’ll probably write a bit about all of it here (or am I just being optimistic?)

in short:

I met someone & had a short-lived almost romantic experience.

I finished another semester of school & dropped a couple classes to defer graduation to december. 

I went to my first love’s wedding to one of my high school friends. 

I lost my beloved mammur (maternal grandmother) & am navigating one of the heaviest losses I’ll ever face in my life. 

I started working a new retail job that I absolutely adore in a company I’ve always loved.

A quick pause from my blog-writing to explore some fun new things became an unexpected hiatus to take care of myself & those most important to me. I’m not the same girl that was an april fool a few months ago. My hair is different; I have a couple new tattoos & a gaping hole in my bruised heart. But I think that I really believe I’m going to be okay now. I’ve got a lot to say as I make my way forward, so I’m back here now.

I’m really scared to be back, but I’m glad to be here. I don’t really know what to expect going forward, & I’m okay letting myself find my own space & rhythm. 

thanks for waiting on me. I hope you’ll stick around & hear me out. I promise there’s more, & it’s really good. 

take care,

emma lai, your april/may/june/july fool